Polyspora wrote: i6t6c
Achromalia wrote: 1ts28
yippee im spiralling :')
wym
i guess theyre never really emergencies or anything, i always have quiet little moments of despair. sometimes about things i dont care to share like now
i have always recovered from them, im normally so tired that i dont have the emotional energy to commit to doing anything with myself or dwell on anything for very long, so it fizzles out like a weak glowing ember
Rhythm32 wrote: 1j4b1t
The past was the past. I know that academically I have gotten the worst. My 10th grade percentage was 74.2 and in 12th it has gotten 57.4 which is very bad. I am so angry with this result that I think about the past whenever I go to sleep. I think about it so much that I get emotional. 11th and 12th grade were so bad that I am giving my 12th again. There are so many things about which I am scared to start doing. For example, driving a scooter 🛵 or a car 🚗 or anything like I can't even open a Bank on my own. My siblings are so much better then me. I don't know why it's like this.... Maybe because I am weak? Maybe because I just don't know how to get things right? Maybe I procrastinated a lot in 12th?
Just maybe... Just maybe I can get my academics this time right. It will require immense dedication and motivation to stay on track and I will do it.
Regarding about my past thread in GD. That thing is complicated even for me. I think I am a sadist or a masochist. I will try my best to overcome that. If all else fails, I will try to forget about her. We never ever interacted with each other but still... Still it happens.
I lack so much confidence. Even though I have some IRL friends I don't really interact or out effort 😭. I just wish that we still stay as friends.
i deeply sympathize... academically, i used to be considered "gifted" before i burnt out and failed a variety of classes for a while. i was very perfectionistic about my grades, but at some point i seemed to grow disillusioned with schools and became jaded and apathetic before growing severely depressed from external circumstances. once i lost momentum, i couldnt pick it back up, and ever since then ive always lacked willpower and volition to really endure and do anything for myself
i dont have any siblings, there is nobody "better" or "Worse" than me, all i know is that i dont know enough, and im not in a condition to presume i could know anything at all... which is probably quite silly, but... i guess i had and kept a victim complex of some sort, or a kind of feeling as though i needed to be rescued. many people say that the only true solution is not to wait on others to save you, but to save yourself. and i look at those people, and i wonder... where do they find the energy for that? certainly, i could imagine survival would compel people to do quite a lot, but im not sure how much i value my life as it is that i could possibly do anything
my experiences are primarily described through fear and inertia. i let everything happen, and i stay where i am, because i fear the course of cause and effect in an opaque world that i dont understand... i fear all kinds of people, i fear all kinds of systems, i fear anything i can't see, i fear anything i can't do, i fear obligations and demands, i fear life itself in many cases. i dread the realization that i never had the chance to be who i wanted to be, who happened to be someone im not and cannot be
i dont understand what you experience with crushes, thats not really a thing i know anything about. but im glad youre willing to decide to let go. i have watched other people describe many things about their experiences with relationships, and i couldnt really imagine your situation being good for you or her, not with the baggage you seem to have and not when it seems like you struggle to keep up with your feelings... i feel like it is already quite responsible of you to be willing to let it be, to wait until you sort out your own life first. it could be possible that nothing damaging or harmful would happen, so i would not say anything with certainty, but my sincere belief is that you have not had enough time to understand yourself through different perspectives than your own
it is important not to internalize shame in ways that compel you to form insecurities about things you believe you must do in order to meet a performative standard... i have the impression you like to narrativize or maybe romanticize your own story of what these things mean to you and what you intend to do, and i fear that some things might cause you to grow cynical and self-destructive or abusive
confidence is a curious problem. i lack confidence, and generally have a moderately low sense of worth. i don't really estimate my abilities to be very high, since i don't really know enough of anything to claim i have any skills in particular... but i also don't
want to be particularly focused on "being confident", i don't want to perform confidence, i don't want to fixate on that and then completely neglect something else
...because confidence isnt necessarily the entire picture of what causes my problems, and there are far more factors involved in why i struggle to take care of myself or my surroundings... i dont have irl friends to interact with, and i dont have any plans to make any, and i already fear people enough as it is-- i fear being a burden, or being invasive or strange, or being useless or insensitive, or being boring or unintelligible
...and yet, sometimes we do find an opportunity to be a little better, just on a whim...
i think you will have some time to continue nourishing yourself a little more. keep asking people questions, be curious and listen to how people see things, recognize how their experiences shape their perspectives and how those perspectives inform their view of you. if you dont mind, im willing to sit with you and listen for a while :
)
in the meanwhile... see what interests you have, explore your understanding of yourself, and continue watching and learning <3
