xch00F wrote: 503n5i
I feel all of that
imo self hatred is the only truly valid form of hatred, in the same way that self harm is the only truly valid form of violence
it's hard to change, even if you desperately want to. the best catalyst for change is need, not want. I don't want to be a better person, I need to be a better person. want is ive, need is active, desire vs require.
some days I look in the mirror and I'm tacitly okay with my current state of being. most days I see an enemy looking back.
my skin sears and it needs to bleed
this, at least the portions i resonate with in the ways that i interpret them, was who i think i used to be to some extent-- anything i loathed about myself would result in a comparatively middling degree of imaginary violence in order to sublimate my own feelings when i was younger, and i was fairly suicidal for some time although it was extremely ive and was generally repressed and heavily distracted from when possible
i fear hatred, specifically outward hatred, i very actively want to avoid resenting people. i grew up to really fear anger, from other people and especially myself, so in a way i eventually was "fortunate" (it seems like a mixed bag, so i'm placing speculative quotes here for reasons i hope to elaborate on) to gradually numb myself toward that searing self-hatred
i am now usually experiencing self-hatred through shame and a very horribly stubborn inertia through the sea of self-neglect i've sunken into, and i sublimate my emotions in effectively any way i can (except now the art i make is horribly incomplete at all times, and very rarely ever substantive), often times just trying to soothe and pacify myself instead with daydreams that really do often inspire me, only to realize i can't seem to or recreate those daydreams, so i ultimately have just found myself wandering again
re: fear of anger/hatred, my relationship with that is a little more complicated than i may have described, because two of my responses to uncomfortable/hostile things is to fawn or freeze (loosely speaking, as extrapolations through much more ambiguous contexts). in that order, i grow dependent as i try to resonate with and sympathize with and appease whoever im with, eventually molding myself to them when applicable. otherwise, i grow either ambiguously ambivalent or extremely distant and non-responsive
i sort of have a similar relationship with shame too, actually, with the same responses :
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i fear people who easily mock or make light of something at the expense of other people, but at the same time i'm conditioned to parse that for when it's comparatively benign/fun and when it's generally just awfully destructive, in order to not overreact. i fear that i might then mock or shame people myself, and so i avoid enabling that when possible
but even then, i still carry the impressions i do, even when i wish for better